Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The NHL in Ramones Songs: South East Division

There's a lot going on in the League right now: the NHL awards, the draft in a few days, free agency season is coming soon... as a responsible blogger I should be tearing off mad copy, yapping about my team's needs, this rumour, that crap, and whatevs...

But that just ain't me, man. The playoffs are done, and I'm all about the frivolous. So, while I'll be watching the "important" goings-on, I'll be focusing my typing fingers on less serious matters, like reducing all the strengths and concerns of major sports franchises to two or three chord punk songs.

Before I get started, let me wish good luck to Martin St. Louis, Steven Stamkos and all the other nominees at the awards show. I probably won't watch. But I'll check afterwards to see who won. Best of luck.

Also, in case you didn't notice, I changed the appearance of my blog page. Like the Lightning, I've decided to freshen my image with a new uniform. Unlike the Lightning, I did not hire expensive consultants to make my image "iconic" or "timeless," and I'll probably be tinkering with it until I like it. Anyway. You don't care. I barely care. Let's move on.

And now...

The NHL in Ramones Songs: South East Division

Carolina Hurricanes: I Wanna Be Sedated. This is how Eric Staal and Jeff Skinner are going to feel after being called upon to score every one of the 'Canes goals this years after just about every other forward leaves in free agency. So long, Jussi. Send us a letter, Eric Cole. We'll miss you. Pass the pain killers and whiskey chasers, would you?

Florida Panthers: We Want The Airwaves. According to a Sports Business Journal in April 2011, the Cats suffered on the tube: "The Florida Panthers continued to suffer through TV problems. The club’s 0.16 rating and 3,000-home average were both league lows." Here's how to boost your ratings, my whiskered friends: go above .500 and make the playoffs. Try it, you'll like it. (stick-tap to Puck Daddy for the link.)

Tampa Bay Lightning: I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement. After spending a few years in the NHL's sewer, the Bolts have finally climbed back into the big time, not only making the playoffs, but advancing to the Eastern Conference Final. The biggest fear? Falling back to the bottom again. Not that there's much worry of that happening soon, with golden trifecta of Vinik/Yzerman/Boucher at the helm.

Washington Capitals: Gimme Gimme Shock Treatment. This is what Bruce Boudreau will decide his team needs midway through the season, if the Red Machine goes through a superpower-into-supercrapper transformation like it did halfway through the year last season. He's already changed a run-and-gun team into a trap team. What will be next? The 1-3-1? Man-to-man or zone? Shotgun offence? Bunt?

Winnipeg Whatnots: Come Back, Baby. This is the song that half a million hockey fans in Winnipeg have been singing since 1996 when the Jets left. It will now be the song a few thousand Thrashers fans will be singing until either the "New Jets" or the Flames decide it's time to return to their birthplace down south.

Tomorrow: The Atlantic Division.

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