I had a post worked up that was about the Lokomotiv crash, the shite summer that hockey fans just had to endure, and then something really hopey-changey to encourage everyone that everything will be okay as soon as pucks start dropping.
But who gives a crap, right? Everyone is saying the same thing. I'll spare you the melodrama and save it for when I need something to cry about when I'm drinking alone in the basement.
What I'm going to give you instead is cold hard data, raw information that I am going to completely make up.
Because it's PROGNOSTICATION TIME!
And it's time for me to tell the poolies and superfans how many goals and points and stuff all of your favorite Lightning players are going to get. Today: Captain Vincent Lecavalier, defender Victor Hedman, and goalie Dwayne Roloson.
Vincent Lecavalier: Last season I PROGNOSTICATED that V4 would score 38 goals and add 48 assists for an 86 point season. Well, that obviously didn't happen. Vinnie was hurt for part of the season (although it sometimes feels like he's always recovering from something these days), and he still clocked in at less that a point-per-game, with 54 points in 65 games.
But his goal production was up over the previous season (one more goal in seventeen fewer games) and he had 19 points in 18 playoff games, and he was lauded for his two-way play and leadership.
So if this is the direction V-Money is going, I'm down with it. I think we'll see a 67 point season for the big guy, with 27 goals and 40 assists. Book it. Boom.
Victor Hedman: Hedman is now most famous for his hit on an already-concussed Sidney Crosby way back on January 4, 2011. Luckily, the notoriety of that hit overshadowed Hedman's defensive deficiencies. It was just a bump, really, but whatever.
Last season I called for Veeektor to score 7 goals, 22 assists, for 29 points in his sophmore year. And although he didn't go all sophy-slumpy on us (and actually matured a lot over the year) he went 3-23-26, which is just terrible.
Wait, what? No, that isn't terrible. It's actually pretty close to what I PROGNOSTICATED last year. So good work Veeeeeeektor. This year? More growth, better defensive coverage, hopefully no concussions given or received, and 5 goals, 27 assists, and 32 points. GET TO WORK!
Dwayne Roloson: In December of 2010 I jokingly PROGNOSTICATED that the Lightning should infinitely improve their goaltending by acquiring Dwayne "Get Off My Lawn" Roloson from the flaming wreckage of the New York Islanders, in exchange for some magic beans and maybe something shiny, like a spoon or a rock from the bottom of a river. This is not to belittle Rolie's abilities, but more a comment on the Islanders ability to put together a good team. I don't mean to start a whole thing here... ah, forget it.
Anyway, real hockey people made a real hockey trade, and the Lightning got Roloson, who backstopped them to the Eastern Conference Final against the most hated Boston Bruins, and the Islanders got Lightning prospect Ty Wishart, who played 20 games for NYI and, I assume, did some stuff.
Anyway, Roloson resigned with the Bolts in the summer, which is good because he gave them the best goaltending they've had since pre-lockout Khabibulin. But is it safe to make prognostications for the performance of a 41-year-old goalie in this "young man's league"?
Sure it is. I'm putting down Roloson for eight shutouts, setting a new team record. I know, I know, I've played that tune before, but this time I'm sure. And one win for each year of his life, which will also be a team record. Am I joking? Only I know the answer to that question, and even I'm not sure. I am an unreadable book, which is also what publishers say about my books.
I'll be coming in your face with more predictions over the next few days. Who's next? Only I don't know the answer to that. Or something. Wait and see. Or don't. Either way, I'm coming at your face.
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