NOTE: I'm on special assignment (re: painful vacation with inlaws and the only other person speaking English is my four-year-old) and it's making me both miss current events and makes it difficult to blog. Hopefully this gets posted before the season opens.
Continuing with my September Player Performance Prognostication Party, I today look at three members of the Lightning's forward corps: Martin St. Louis, Teddy Purcell, and Steve Downie. Ready? Ready!
Martin St. Louis: Marty had a pretty good season last year, by his standards: 31 goals, 68 assists, 99 points, and a nomination for the Hart Trophy as league MVP. Some Anaheimer won the Hart, but Marty again won the prestigious "Greatest Man Alive" award, as handed out by Frozen Sheets Hockey (your gift certificate is in the mail, Marty).
Last year I gave my PROGNOSTICATION that Marty would score 33 goals with 66 assists for 99 points. I'm not going to take any credit for him actually meeting that points total; obviously Marty's speed, ridiculous stick-handling skills, other-worldly determination, and the intimidation factor created by the legends of his huge wang also contributed to his success.
But, if he's going to meet the numbers that I provide, I'm just going to have to challenge him further. Sure, he'll be 36 this year, but he is, after all, completely awesome, and should rack up heaps of helpers again this year. So I'll say he's going to score 32 goals and 71 assists for 103 points.
And remember, if the team is winning, then Marty is happy, even if his teeth are getting knocked out. Greatest Man Alive. Clone this guy. Put him into mass production. No! There is only one. There can be only one.
Teddy Purcell: Who knew? Teddy can thread the needle. After looking pretty "meh" for his first stretch of his NHL career, Purcell is now making former Lightning GM Brian Lawton look pretty good for acquiring him. He rapped off 51 points in the ol' reg season, but became a dragon in playoffs, potting 6 goals and 11 assists in 18 playoff games. The assists were more impressive than the goals, because several of the assists were from stunning "I can't believe he even bothered to try," through three opponents, pin-point passes, directly onto the tape of his teammate's stick for an easy tap-in.
Seriously, this guy went from "contributer" to Doctor Skillz-On-Display with extra sizzle. Hold the nuts, double the bacon. Whatever that means. I'm on my tenth beer. Okay, my third, but I'm a lightweight now. I actually gave myself alcohol poisoning this past weekend on Korean beer and completely fucked up my inlaws' big lunch party. I couldn't even sit up. It was eight in the evening before I could even keep some Sprite down. Seriously, I puked bile three times. I think my total vomit count was in the twenties. Awful.
What the hell was I talking about? Oh, Teddy. So now we now what he can do, and he knows what he can do, and he'll be doing it all season on a line with Captain Vincent Lecavalier, who also has some billz-payin'-skillz. I'm calling it: 25 goals, 55 assists, 70 points. I'm awesome.
Now ask yourself: what skillz do you use to pay your billz?
Steve Downie: Ah, Downs. Our beautiful mad boy. Will he score? Will he fight? Will he... kill?
Last season Downie missed a bunch of time with injuries, and so only produced 32 points in 57 games, down from 46 in 79 in the previous year, his first full NHL season. But he was back to FULL ON BALLS TO THE WALL NUTSO POWER in the playoffs, scoring 2 goals with 12 assists in 17 games (with 40 minutes in penalties, which isn't quite as helpful, but yunno, whatevs).
This season? He'll stay healthy, hit the twenty goal mark again, and end up with 21 goals, 31 assists, for 52 points. And NO SUSPENSIONS.
Oh, and he'll finally get to fight Alexander Ovechkin.
Maybe.
And just on a personal note, for you, the reader?
You're beautiful.
I mean, you are looking good tonight.
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