I couldn't take it anymore-- the sight of my stupid face with that stupid 'stache every time I saw my reflection made me want to both laugh out loud and punch myself in the face. I was actually starting to hate myself more than when I was fronting a band of heavy metal mimes ("Silent Violence," thankfully not on youtube), so I had to take the unfortunate step of slashing the 'stache. Therefore, if any men out there choose not to get ass-fingered for a cancer check, I guess it's somehow on me. Sorry boys.
Anyway, I haven't posted in a week or something, so here are a few observations.
1. With three shootout/overtime wins followed by two pretty bad losses (3-0 to the Blues and 5-2 to the lowly Jets), it's actually been a long time since the Lightning have won a game in regulation. In fact, the Bolts haven't won a regulation game in November. Um.
2. The whole 1-3-1 debate is a bunch of bunk. Philadelphia and their embarrassing coach Peter Lavoilette had their fun with it, and Chris Pronger made a bunch of statements about how awful it is that the Lightning would play that system, and the raging sheep employed by Versus jumped all over it, and blah blah blah...
...but here's the thing. People watching Lightning games, especially casual fans (you know, like the people Versus and other American television carriers are trying to draw in, as well as the people filling half of most arenas) don't notice the 1-3-1 neutral zone set-up. What they see is one team taking the puck, rushing up ice, a brief struggle for possession, and either the attacking team penetrating the Lightning zone or the Lightning causing a turnover and rushing back the other way.
What a casual fan sees is a fast game of back and forth. They don't see this complete collapse of all reason and sanity that the Flyers have observed. The Lightning have not gone back to the neutral zone trap of the 1995 New Jersey Devils the way some have observed, because they are not allowed to interfere and hook and hold the way players could in the '90s. Therefore, the Lightning defend the way they are allowed to: by intercepting passes and pressuring the puck carrier. Whoa! That's got to be illegal!
Hey, do you know what's really dumb? Standing in your own end, and thereby mustering only fifteen shots against a team that both employes a frustrating defensive system, but also allows a lot of goals. Your holding-back tactic really worked there, Laviolette-- I just wish the Jets tried it instead of, you know, scoring five goals on the Lightning.
But admittedly, the whole 1-3-1 thing does look pretty silly... if the Lightning's opponents decide to stand motionless in their own end.
By the way, Chris Pronger is an absolutely dominant defenceman, but judging by his exchanges with the media, I don't think I could stand to be in a room with him. I couldn't have lunch with this guy. The arrogance of the man is just impossible. What makes it all the worse is that he can back it up. There's nothing worse than a bully that can't be beaten up.
3. Speaking of people I would love to see get beaten up, how about that Milan Lucic? What a guy. Do you know who is a really dirty player? Milan Lucic. Yes, I would love it if he played on my team. That won't happen. The Bruins should lock him up lifetime (and yes, I mean with a contract and not in prison). That said, I would really love it if he could get beaten up really badly, over and over again. Too bad nobody can do it.
Hey, do you know why Milan Lucic can be so aggressive and dirty? Because no one can beat him up. Don't worry Buffalo Sabres, it ain't just you. I don't see a very long line of guys asking to get destroyed by Milan Lucic.
Hey, do you know who I really hate? Oh yeah, that's how I started this.
4. Here are a few things I wish: I wish Ryan Malone's off-season training scheme to avoid injuries had worked and he were able to stay in the lineup. I wish Steve Downie was providing more scoring, and fewer penalty minutes. Did you notice he's minus twelve? I wish the Lightning had more blueline depth. I guess we'll see what they really look like when Matthias Ohlund and his two new knees arrive. I wish the Lighting were jumping out of the gate and having dominant first periods. And I wish I had a magic unicorn that I could ride to work in the morning.
5. Someone asked me today if I would allow them to translate my back-list of rock and roll novels into Russian. That's not related to hockey, it's just something unusual that happened.
6. Okay, my neck hurts. It might be whiplash, or it might be a concussion. I'm going to call it up-too-late blogging-related sore-neck-like symptoms. Good night.
(Status update: since last night, Nolan's sore neck has been reclassified to an "undisclosed upper body injury" and he is listed as day-to-day. He is doubtful for another blog post today.)
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